People Make Me Nervous

Every person around me, man or woman, friend or stranger, makes me nervous, whether they talk to me or not. My heart races, the blood starts pounding in my head, chills run down my spine. My breath grows shorter and faster. My throat tightens leaving me feeling like I am almost out of air. I feel like I am running even when I am standing still.
I know this all started after a bad period of people breaking my trust. I let what those people did and said get to me. I let it change how I saw the world and the people surrounding me. Now I am lost deep in this daily panic, which is very bad for a writer. I have to get over this but I don't know how.
This blog post is my sad attempt to pull myself out of this. I am forcing myself to sit here in a library full of people until I have finished writing today. I am just itching to go home and relax again with a good book.

A Pen can change the World

I could be anything but I think I will be a writer. I will write books and articles that bring theology and God into people’s lives, Even if they don’t know that’s what I am doing. I can write in subtle traces of theology that slip into people’s minds and souls almost undetected. I can also throw in a blast of theology so big it shakes a person out of their comfort zone. I can do all this with just a pen. I can affect people’s emotions around the world without ever leaving my apartment. I will bring God to life for people all over the world. Once more people see the world and its people in a theological way they begin to understand the problems of the world better. One must understand the problem to change it. One must understand the world in order to change it. I hope to help people understand with my writing. With my pen I can help change the world. 

Another Day of Work and Pain.

Today i went to the library to work on my mid term paper which is due tomorrow. I am still new to this library so i just picked a table on the main floor. After an hour of working on my paper the pain in both my head and my body got to be too much. I became madder and more depressed as i tried to push through the pain. I did not see the solid hour of work i had just done. All i saw was an unfinished paper and me in too much pain to finish it. The battery on my computer died and so i slowly put all my stuff away so i can start the painful walk home. The problem was i was also in too much pain to stand. After two failed attempts and the depressing thought of being alone during such a time, I managed to get up. I walked home, cried, texted Matt, and fixed myself crackers and a glass of jasmine tea. after both the physical and emotion pain went down i called the library. The guy i talked to told me about how the 3rd floor was quiet with long tables and plugs at each table. I am sitting at one of those tables now. After writing this long message I am going to have to get up and walk around for a bit. I am starting to hurt again.

Unnecessary Stress

I read article after article trying to find something good and meaningful to write about. I stress over the outline, trying to make sure each word is in the perfect place. This unnecessary stress has been building up on me for many months. Stress from this blog stress from life in general, building up block by block until I stood in a small windowless room. I was locked in by my own fears. Mostly fear of getting hurt or not being good enough. Well now I am beginning the long process of tearing down the walls, brick by brick.

I was reading another one of those articles just moments ago when I can across this line.

“To get into the travel mindset, you have to treat every day as if you were traveling! Always be open to new experiences, people, food and activities. Branch out of your comfort zone and take daily risks. Unsettle your routines and live like every day is an adventure.”

It suddenly hit me. I use to enjoy every little detail about life and now I barely even see them. That quote is the embodiment of my goal. I want to get back to the point of being able to enjoy the simple act of blowing bubbles or the smell of a summer rain. I want to feel all emotions, good, bad and downright heartbreaking. I will take the good with the bad because there really is nothing worse than the numb nothingness I find myself in lately. 

Mozart Said It Best.

When it comes to describing how the flow of inspiration hits me, it was Mozart who said it best.

"When I am, as it were, completely myself, entirely alone, and of good cheer - say traveling in a carriage, or walking after a good meal, or during the night when I can't sleep - it is on such occasions that my ideas flow best, and most abundantly. Whence and how they come, I know not, nor can I force them."   Mozart.