where have i been?

I am sorry it has taken me this long to write. I started taking free college courses at the main library while trying to finish one of my novels. I have come to realize that was a mistake. I can’t write a novel, keep this blog updated and take a class all at the same time. Now with my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. So I have decided to use the classes each session as inspiration for this blog. When I have a class going on I will post on here. When I don’t have a class going on I will focus on my novel. I hope you can forgive the long periods of silence on my part.  This session the class is How to write a book in six weeks with Cathy Fyock. 

Why does knowledge have to cost so much?

Every Tuesday as I walk across university of Louisville campus I try my hardest to see only the beauty around me. I see the beautiful landscape but the buildings hold a painful memory for me. I know that even though I walk past these buildings every week the doors of almost all of them are closed to me.
You see a few months ago I had the foolish dream of sitting in on a class.  I assumed I would have to fill out an application or contact the professor whose class I wanted to take.  I never dreamed I would be asked to pay $1300 per class.  That is the same price as someone who is getting credit.  now I am reminded of my foolish dream every Tuesday.
There is a difference between education and knowledge.  I can understand why education has to cost so much but why must it be the same with knowledge.

Set in my ways

I have my ways and I am set in them which is okay. I am who I am.  I am a writer. I am a woman in search of love, respect, acceptance and great food. I have a passion for words that will never die as long as I don't let myself get stressed out about life or my work.  I will let the words come out anyway they want to,  for however long they want to.  In whatever language they want to even though I can only read and write English right now. Maybe one day I will know more languages and more cultures around the world but it is okay if I don't. I can only make do with the things, people and chances life gives me today and tomorrow.  GOD will give me what I need. He always has and always will.

The unpredictability of life

Life never has any set plans or at least we humans will never be told what they are. Why should I plan for the future?  Of course I should save up for the things I want to do like paying off my loans, buying a plane ticket to India and buying a house but I should not let anything stress me out. Life is unpredictable and exciting if I let it be.

Writing the first draft of my memoir

I don't have any idea what I am writing but at least I am still working on it.  I am making six hundred or more words a day. I am just going to keep typing until I make seventy thousand words, then I will edit it over and over again until it is ether good or gone. I think this is a good way to work.  Today I don't know how I feel or think except that I want to make it to seventy thousand words.  Why? Because I want to prove to myself that I can do it even if the first draft is nothing but crap. I don't believe it will be complete crap though because there has to be something good in one hundred pages of writing on a single subject. I am only thirty-eight pages in and I know that some of it is good so it stands to reason that some more good writing will come out of eighty plus pages. Sure doing it this way will take a lot of time and work but that's what writing is all about. It is an addiction, a passion that has to come out in whatever format it wants to. I don't have any control over this draft and I like it that way.

A morning spent with the zebra.

I haven't written anything about my fibromyalgia symptoms for a while but I guess today is the best day to start again. 
I woke up at 5 am, my new normal but this morning didn't go as planned. I felt fine, a little tired but still fine. I got my morning shower and was trying to get dressed when it hit me.  I was suddenly very light headed, and dizzy.  My legs felt like straws trying to hold the weight of a bowling ball.  It was only the closest wall that saved me from crashing to the floor.  Still I was able to keep calm and throw on my dress.
Staggering like a drunken fool, trying to avoid stepping on my cat, I some how made it to my bed and painfully crashed into it.
Wrapped in my zebra blanket, I spent the next three hours dozing in and out of consciousness.  When my spoiled little cat decided that I had slept enough,  she smacked me in the head. Walking only a few steps in front of me,  she lead the way into the kitchen. Watching my every move with annoyed boredom,  she waited while I struggled to clean her litter box.  Thank God for the walls in this house.  After my chores were done I staggered back to bed and dozed again for another hour. 
Now except for pain in my neck and back,  damn pillows,  I feel fine. That is not to say that I am up and walking again.  I intend to keep trying to get up and stay up all day if I have to.  I'm starting to get hungry.  What better motivation can you ask for?

Being Respectful to the God in Everyone

How would you behave around a friend knowing he was God? Ideally no different then how you would behave around anyone else. Every person and animal has God in them and so they deserve to be treated with love, respect and compassion. That's why I don't eat meat.

This is not always so easy to do especially with people I am close to like my mom and my best friend. I crave their approval in every aspect of my life even though I know all three of us have vastly different views on life. I'm not really sure if this is a bad thing or not. I do my best to accept our differences and not let the need for approval stress me out.

My mom is not a fan of the fact that I am Hindu and into Indian culture so I don't cover my head or wear bindi when I am around her. She likes to smoke so I wait in the other room or stand in the hallway until she is done.

Spending less money and Asking for what I want part two

I am one of those people that doesn't like to eat alone. So I decided to ask my friends and family to come over to eat. To be able to cook a big meal for four people I would need food so I am continuing to go to the food pantry. I would need ingredients so I can provide enough food for everyone. I only have one chair besides the one I use at my desk. So I decided to ask my friends and family on Facebook. I also looked on craigslist.

It turned out that only one person could come visit me. So I did not need the chairs after all.  Which is a good thing since I was having no luck at all. With only one person coming over I needed a lot less food which gave me back my Friday mornings. Of course I was still lonely but one day I started thinking about my mom. With my dad gone I am sure my mom was just as lonely as I was. She works twelve hours a day, often eating nothing but coffee and cookies. I knew I could not make her a good lunch but I could make her dinner most nights. So now I go over to her house at least three nights a week to do your laundry, make a healthy dinner and load the dish washer. My new plan is to have one big meal at her house and have mostly fruit and chai tea at my house. I have not lost any weight yet but I just started and I know it will take some time. 

The Meaning of Freedom

Personal freedom is different for everyone

I am free because I work for no one

I may be broke but I have time to be happy

I am free to go where I want when I want

I am free because I work for no one

Some cannot live like I do

I am free to go where I want when I want

I love my life. I love my freedom

Some cannot live like I do

I may be broke but I have time to be happy

I love my life. I love my freedom

Personal freedom is different for everyone

Black Box of Gratefulness

I am grateful for my kitchen full of food. I am lucky and blessed to live in a country that gives money to the people who can’t work. Without the money I get each month, I would have to live in my mother’s basement again. I love my mom a great deal but we are too different to live together. I try not to think about it because my lack of a large family who shares my beliefs is depressing. I try to remind myself that there are people in this world who are all alone. There are people who somehow live without family or friends checking in on them. I don’t know how they do it. I have a hard enough time just dealing with the fact that I have no one to share my religion or my vegetarian food. I have no one to cook for or clean for but I try to be grateful for my apartment with heat, running water, electricity and a full kitchen. I don’t have a lot of channels but at least I have a working TV that I can watch the news on every morning. I don’t have the money to buy a new book every time I finish reading the last one but I can go to the library every day and check out any book or movie I want. I am saving money to buy a house one day. I am grateful for the ability to own something on my own. I own my truck and one day I will own a big house. Today I am grateful for my full belly.  

Spending less money and Asking for what I want part one

Instead of stressing about the things I don’t have or how long it will take me to save for the things I want, I have come up with a plan.

I want to pay off my debt, buy a house and travel to India for six months.

These three things will take a lot of money so I have to see where I can cut expenses. I want to keep my apartment, my truck and my cell phone so I will keep paying those bills every month.

 I like to watch movies but I don’t really need to go to the movies or buy DVDs when there are movies for free at the library. Yes I will most likely have to go to the one downtown but that is not so bad, at least I have a running truck.

 I have been over eating lately and it just hit me really hard this morning. I was reading about children who were living on only a hand full of rice twice a day. Not an adult handful either.  That’s it just a small bit of rice and dirty water. I can buy an entire weeks’ worth of their food for less than a dollar.  So way would I ever need more than $15 dollars’ worth of food a month? If I eat less I will spend less money and lose weight too. So I tried it.

One big meal a day and fruit, tea or something lite whenever I get hungry.  I did not eat something every two hours. I did not eat at set times. I just listened to my body and ate when I needed it. Well guess what. Just two days into this new “diet” and I have more energy than I have had in years. Less migraines and muscle pain. Best of all I can think! The fibro-fog has lifted! This alone seems like a miracle come from the simplest of changes.

 I still get enough migraines and pain that I can’t lift heavy things or stand on my feet for long periods but I am happier. Some people might look down on me for not working a typical job or going to the food pantry when I run out of veggies but I don’t want their life so their words don’t matter. It is ego and pride that has keep me from asking for help. Reading about other people’s suffering kicked that real quickly. I truly believe God will give me what I need if I just ask for it.

 Now back to my main point. Since I am not spending money on food or movies. Since I am only paying the bills and for Gas in my truck. I have more money to put aside each month for paying off my debt, buying a house and booking a plane ticket to India.  It will still take me years to save up the whole amount for each thing but not as many years. So what’s next?

The things I want that don’t have to cost money. Being happy, enjoying my life with passion and not being alone. All of that will come in my next post. 

My New Health Journal and My New Doctor

I started keeping a health Journal again. I am tracking everything i eat, everything i do and any pain or symptoms I have. I know I have started many health Journals before and quickly got tired of them. I am not saying I won't get tired of this one but I am going to force myself to keep at it.

One good thing about living in Louisville again is Rainbow Blossom. Every month they have a Day with the Doctor. Once a month I can go see a doctor who deals in natural treatments. I get fifteen minutes for free. More if no one else is signed up. There are really two Day with the Doctor  each month but I don't like the parking at the St. Matthews branch so I will just have to stick to once a month at the Highlands Rainbow Blossom.

Wish Me Luck.

Learning to live an unplanned life

Today I was wasting time online when I saw this quote.
"How do you make God laugh? Say 'I have a plan'".
I have tried every kind of plan I can think of and still nothing ever seems to work. I can't do the same things at the same time everyday and most days I am lucky if I get half the things on my to do list done. Even now as I write this I am fighting to see over my cat who decided she just had to come sit on my chest. I am trying to let go of all my expections for both the future and the persent. God decides what happens in every moment of our lives. It does not do me any good to stress over how long my to do list is or how many things I did not get done. I could not focus well enough to work on my novel today but that's ok. There is always tomorrow. Right now I am going to let go of my stress and watch tv with my jelous cat. Good night everybody. I hope tomorrow is a happy stress free day for you and your family.

Why I like Covering my head.

I have always been fascinated by head coverings. From the tight, super covering scarfs some Muslim women wear to the loose end of a sari thrown over the heads of many Indian women. I would love to walk around all day everyday with the end of my sari gently blowing in the wind around my face. Sadly I only have one sari so I have to make due with a scarf.

America is Freedom

America is Freedom but what does that really mean?
When I think about what it means to be American I think back to our fore fathers. Yes they were christian but they came here looking for the freedom to worship and live the way they wanted. Not the king or Pope's way.
They built this country on the dream of religious freedom for everyone.
They built this country on the dream of being able to say whatever you want to say.
They built this country on the dream of being able to protect yourself and your family.
To me an American is someone who tries to give all people those same rights to religion, speech and protection, no matter how different they are from you. You don't have to talk to someone who believes different. You don't have to let them in your home but as Americans you should respect their rights. You should not do physical harm to anyone or their property even if they are very different from you. If you are invited or go into someone's home or place of worship show the proper respect. If you can't show respect simply don't go. They have the rights to live their life as they see fit just like you do.
That is truly American 

I am human

I laugh, I cry
I bleed and I can die
Good times and bad
Happy or sad
I am human
Thoughts and emotions
Racing around my head
Good moments the never
Seem to last long enough
I am human
And sometimes I just need
A drink

The Meaning of Freedom

Freedom is not this list set in stone. It does not mean you are free only if you have A, B, and C. The meaning of freedom is different for every person. That meaning can also change as a person goes through different experiences. Freedom is not only an American idea either. For one person freedom might be tied to soldiers, for someone else it may not. One person’s idea of freedom might be very simple while someone else has a very complex idea of what freedom means. All personal views of freedom are right.

No matter what your freedom is, No matter what my freedom is, every freedom comes at a price.

To me freedom is being able to choose how I live. I don’t want to work a typical 9 to 5 job I hate. The price I have to pay for that freedom is learning to live on less money. Sometimes I even have to deal with people calling me lazy or a bum.

Every moment of every day we have to decide if the freedom is worth the price.

The Nature of Friendship

There are many levels of friendship and each one is different for each person. I have yet to find that perfect friendship that has everything I want.  I have known deep loneliness. I looked for that friend who could be the cure all to my depression and loneliness but I never found them. I guess you can say I have kind of given up on ever finding that perfect best friend. Instead I have started settling into the friendships I have.

Those relationships are the ones that really test me. I am tested every day by a cat who always seems to want attention when I am busy or too tried. Every day she reminds me that I have to take time for others if I want them to take time for me. One of my human friends reminds me that sometimes opposites can attract and become good friends. I see her personality and I am always reminded of why I live my life the way I do.

The real nature of friendship is that you have to treat it like a marriage. You pick someone and you become stuck to each other. You just don’t leave them because of some little annoying habit they have. You have to learn to deal with it. 

Spiritual Ayurveda

Ayurveda is the system of healing that has been used in India for thousands of years. It looks at both a person's body as well as their mind.
My new Ayurveda doctor gave me a short list of things to do for my spiritual health.
Find a meditation group
She told me to look online for a meditation group near me. I knew there were alot of groups in Cincinnati but I wanted to find one close enough for me to walk to. I don't drive if I can help it. I found a group called sahaja meditation. It is almost a mix of yoga and meditation.

My New Ayurveda Life

I saw my New Ayurveda doctor yesterday. She was very nice and helpful. She looked at my tongue and took my pulse. After answering lots of questions she told me how to live a healthier life.

Physical

• Drink 50 to 100 ounces of water a day
• eat more vegetables 
• eat less fruit - Only one piece a day - one apple or one orange
• Go Gluten free
• Scrap my tongue in morning and evening 
• wash eyes with cool water
• put a little coconut oil on my under my nose
• cook everything - cooked is better then raw even when it comes to fruit
• Don't buy any boxed, canned or refined foods
• When shopping go around the edge of the store instead of going down the rows
• Eat more Indian food

For breakfast she suggested I try steel cut oats mixed with cinnamon, Maple Syrup and milk cooked in a rice cooker.

I will right another post soon about the spiritual things she told me to do.