People Make Me Nervous

Every person around me, man or woman, friend or stranger, makes me nervous, whether they talk to me or not. My heart races, the blood starts pounding in my head, chills run down my spine. My breath grows shorter and faster. My throat tightens leaving me feeling like I am almost out of air. I feel like I am running even when I am standing still.
I know this all started after a bad period of people breaking my trust. I let what those people did and said get to me. I let it change how I saw the world and the people surrounding me. Now I am lost deep in this daily panic, which is very bad for a writer. I have to get over this but I don't know how.
This blog post is my sad attempt to pull myself out of this. I am forcing myself to sit here in a library full of people until I have finished writing today. I am just itching to go home and relax again with a good book.

A Pen can change the World

I could be anything but I think I will be a writer. I will write books and articles that bring theology and God into people’s lives, Even if they don’t know that’s what I am doing. I can write in subtle traces of theology that slip into people’s minds and souls almost undetected. I can also throw in a blast of theology so big it shakes a person out of their comfort zone. I can do all this with just a pen. I can affect people’s emotions around the world without ever leaving my apartment. I will bring God to life for people all over the world. Once more people see the world and its people in a theological way they begin to understand the problems of the world better. One must understand the problem to change it. One must understand the world in order to change it. I hope to help people understand with my writing. With my pen I can help change the world. 

Another Day of Work and Pain.

Today i went to the library to work on my mid term paper which is due tomorrow. I am still new to this library so i just picked a table on the main floor. After an hour of working on my paper the pain in both my head and my body got to be too much. I became madder and more depressed as i tried to push through the pain. I did not see the solid hour of work i had just done. All i saw was an unfinished paper and me in too much pain to finish it. The battery on my computer died and so i slowly put all my stuff away so i can start the painful walk home. The problem was i was also in too much pain to stand. After two failed attempts and the depressing thought of being alone during such a time, I managed to get up. I walked home, cried, texted Matt, and fixed myself crackers and a glass of jasmine tea. after both the physical and emotion pain went down i called the library. The guy i talked to told me about how the 3rd floor was quiet with long tables and plugs at each table. I am sitting at one of those tables now. After writing this long message I am going to have to get up and walk around for a bit. I am starting to hurt again.

Unnecessary Stress

I read article after article trying to find something good and meaningful to write about. I stress over the outline, trying to make sure each word is in the perfect place. This unnecessary stress has been building up on me for many months. Stress from this blog stress from life in general, building up block by block until I stood in a small windowless room. I was locked in by my own fears. Mostly fear of getting hurt or not being good enough. Well now I am beginning the long process of tearing down the walls, brick by brick.

I was reading another one of those articles just moments ago when I can across this line.

“To get into the travel mindset, you have to treat every day as if you were traveling! Always be open to new experiences, people, food and activities. Branch out of your comfort zone and take daily risks. Unsettle your routines and live like every day is an adventure.”

It suddenly hit me. I use to enjoy every little detail about life and now I barely even see them. That quote is the embodiment of my goal. I want to get back to the point of being able to enjoy the simple act of blowing bubbles or the smell of a summer rain. I want to feel all emotions, good, bad and downright heartbreaking. I will take the good with the bad because there really is nothing worse than the numb nothingness I find myself in lately. 

Mozart Said It Best.

When it comes to describing how the flow of inspiration hits me, it was Mozart who said it best.

"When I am, as it were, completely myself, entirely alone, and of good cheer - say traveling in a carriage, or walking after a good meal, or during the night when I can't sleep - it is on such occasions that my ideas flow best, and most abundantly. Whence and how they come, I know not, nor can I force them."   Mozart.

Pay it Forward!

This is a movie that I think everyone should watch.

Advice from the Past

Once a very good friend of mine said “I always imagined you as a late afternoon or evening writer.”

 He himself was a late night writer and playwright. Sadly he has passed away. Often I have moments when I wish he could give me advice.  It is during these moments that I remember the miracle of Facebook.

 About a month after his death, I was obsessing about schedules again so I got on facebook and found this little piece of advice.  “I always imagined you as a late afternoon or evening writer.”

It had been a year and a half since he first typed those words.  As I looked back at all the schedules I tried to make I noticed one common theme. I was always writing sometime after dinner.

He was always right and still I kept trying to change my own flow.  So now I have an alarm set on my phone to go off at 9pm every night.  I have to have a start time or else I will sleep through it if I have a migraine. Even if I sleep all day I know I will still get at least an hour of writing done each day. I start at 9pm and write until I am tried again. I usually always get at least an hour in. 

Father’s Day at Buca

This year for father’s day my mom decided she wanted to try something new.  So I looked through the large pile of coupons and found one new place.  I found a coupon for a free desert for dad on father’s day only.  So we drove across town for an early dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

                There was a nice covered walkway from the parking lot to the door.  There was a little outdoor sitting area to the right of the entrance.  They also had a few chairs just inside the door. The hostess station was this massive dark wooden platform that looked like it belonged in a large church.  I did like looking at all the pictures that covered every inch of the walls.  Pictures of laughing nuns butted up against pictures of Marilyn Monroe type beauties in bathing suits. There were also a few pictures of elderly men and women with dogs.  My mom gave them her name and they told us it would be a twenty minute wait.  Which when you think about it is not too bad for father’s day.

                When they called our name, the waiter lead us through the kitchen, of all places. I was even more surprised to find a family of four or five sitting at a booth built into the wall. Right there in the kitchen! We were seated at a small round table right next to the kitchen door. I had to push myself half under the table to make sure I was out of the way.  Large trays piled with food whizzed past my head the whole time. I forgot how many times I was brushed up against that night. It really is a wonder that none of my hair ended up in someone’s food or even the other way around.   There were so many people there talking all at once that it gave me a migraine trying to hear what my mom was saying. Eventually I gave up trying, took an aspirin and just looked at all the photos.

                Oh don’t get me wrong they were very fast about asking for our drinks and the drinks themselves were very good but it took them forever to bring them.  Both of my parents ordered cocktails. White Russian for my mom and whiskey sour with bitters for my dad. Their drinks did not come until after we were already done with the salad. At least my parent’s both agreed that their drinks were very good. Our family style bowl of salad came and we served ourselves just like at Olive Garden, except Olive Garden salad is much better.   

                After our drinks showed up and the salad plates were taken away, our waitress brought out warm bread and plain olive oil. The bread was very good but I wish they had brought it with the salad. Plain olive oil is better left in the kitchen.

                Being a family style restaurant, all the dishes are meant to be shared. This worked out well for my parents who shared a pesto stuffed chicken. I, being the vegetarian that I am, had to choose from a very small side menu.  I ended up settling on fettuccine alferdo.  My parents loved their steaming out pesto chicken and even I must say, the pesto was amazing.  I added a nice spoonful of it to my own barely warm pasta. I wish there had been more.

                They honored the coupon and brought out a nice sized Canoli for my dad.  He was nice enough to share it with my mom and me. It was a noodle shaped cookie filled with creamy white custard.  I still don’t really know how to describe the taste of the custard, except to say it had a faint nutty taste to it. Though it really was something more.  The whole thing was drizzled in rich dark chocolate.

The bill came and I was surprised to find tip suggestions at the bottom.  15% 18% and 20%. I really don’t know what to say about that.  Even with good cocktails and great pesto it was not worth $70 for three people.

Buca’s is not a place for veggies like me and I will consider buying a gift card for my parents but I will never eat there again.

What is "Soft" Power?

Energy is Happiness

For me energy and happiness always seem to go hand in hand. If I have energy to get at least a few things done on my to-do list each day then I am also happy. The other side of the coin is if I can happy I get an energy boost.

My daily to-do list is divided into two sections. The first half is written in black ink, while the second half is written in red ink. The black section is a short list of all the things I need or want to do every single day. The second section is longer. It is a list of all the things that need to be done that day or very soon after. Once I finish a task written in red it gets checked off and does not show up again the next day. In order to finish all the black tasks and start working on the red, I need lots of energy.

Over months of trial and error, I have found a few natural energy boosters that work for me. They won’t work for everyone and sometimes one or two don’t even work for me. Just because it does not work one time does not mean I give up.

One that almost always seems to work is drinking a big glass of water. I keep a 32 oz water bottle with me most of the day to sip on. When I start noticing that my energy level is dropping, I take a moment to make sure my bottle is full. To make sure I don’t get too bored with the taste of plain water, I add flavor packets to every other bottle.  Most of the time it is this wonderful grapefruit flavor I love.

Which brings me to my next trick, Citrus. I have always loved citrus fruits, but recently I realized that everything citrus is an energy booster for me. From my grapefruit flavored water, to oranges and even lime scented candles. The taste and smell of citrus is energy for me. Now of course it does not last all day or even a few hours but you can get a lot of things done in 5 or 10 minutes if you have enough energy. I have surrounded myself with citrus so that every time my energy levels drop I am ready. I use citrus scented bath wash and shampoo. I keep bottles of citrus flavored water in the kitchen  and during the summer there is always citrus fruit on the kitchen table.

Chronic Migraines can be very draining and sometimes nothing helps more than a nap.  I always make sure to set the timer on my phone so that I don’t sleep longer than 30 minutes. If I sleep longer than 30 minutes, I wake up feeling very more tried. I don’t know why really but 30 minutes is the magic number when it comes to naps.

If I am doing something like laundry, I always make sure to put on some music to lift my mood and energy. Even just an hour a day is a big help.

These are my natural energy booster tricks. I hope you try a few to see if they work for you.

Living in the Past

Daily Writing and Editing

What is Great Literature?

Do you have to Sacrifice things to be a good writer?

Polish Poem

The Disrespectful Summons

Calling all Angels

Indian Beat-boxing

Dreams of Food and Future

I would like to switch to a whole food traditional Indian diet. I would eat only fresh or frozen fruits, vegetables and meat. My kitchen will always be full of fresh fruits and vegetables. I would never buy canned or boxed food. I hate how much salt is in things like that. I will not have canned food in my house, unless it if pet food. I will make my own soups from all fresh ingredients. Sadly I do not have a kitchen of my own. When at the mercy of family and friends’ cooking, it can be very difficult to avoid unhealthy ingredients. I do my best to choose the healthiest food in the house but I still much eat what others cook. All leftovers must be gone before I can cook something I like. I eat when and what the family eats, both out of respect and out of fear. I respect the work they have put into making the meal and I fear the anger and the words that come if I don’t eat it.

I keep telling myself that soon. I will make money with my writing or find a husband. It would be best to have both. My plan is to work hard on my writing, try not to let others push me back into depression, and save up for a place of my own. I will leave the matter of a husband to God. Maybe he will help my sister and friends to find me a good husband.  

A simple promise, A small gift

I know this is not any of the articles I plan to write but even this small paragraph is important. This is step one of a promise I made to someone thousands of miles away from me. I promised that I would write one blog post every day, even if it is only a small paragraph about my day. I love all of my pen pals around the world for the simple joy they bring me, letters. Yes I know I write only emails to some and emails and letters to others, but it is still different then writing a letter to someone you can see or call every day. When I write to my pen pals I am allowed to travel. Every email or letter is a little glimpse into another world. I do not become a tourist standing in front of a place or mountain. I become a traveler let into the home of a friend. That to me is a gift that I both give and receive every time I send or reply to an email or letter. I have received postcards and letters that let my creative mind fly across the skies to another city or country where I feel welcomed like an old friend. The art of writing letters may be dying but at least I know that with every letter I am breathing more life into the art. This and many more small paragraphs to come are a gifts of language as well.